Read This If You’re Thinking That You Don’t Have Enough Time
Why do we lie to ourselves about not having enough time?
In the post that I shared the other day we were talking about overwhelm and the thoughts that cause overwhelm and how we use the Effortless Growth process in the For More Of What Matters Group coaching program to make it a lot easier for ourselves to not think those thoughts that make us feel overwhelmed.
We are taking that a step further in this episode and with why we think those things in the first place, because, as I mentioned in the last episode, those thoughts are a choice. And while we use the systems, use the processes to help make it easier to not think of those thoughts, it still is our choice to make them in the first place.
While not have great support systems in place makes it easier to think overwhelming thoughts, that doesn't mean we are required to think those things. We still have the ability to choose something different for ourselves.
And you might be thinking, "Why on earth would I purposefully choose to think a thought that makes me feel overwhelmed and makes me not follow through with the plans that I made for myself to reach the goals that I wanna reach?" It doesn't make sense.
The reason that we do that is because of the hidden benefits of overwhelm, so that is what we are talking about today. Because when we can better understand where those thoughts are coming from, then it is easier to make the switch to more helpful thoughts.
By understanding the hidden benefits of overwhelm, we can stop thinking about overwhelm as an unwanted feeling that we struggle to get rid of because our circumstances just make it really hard not to think overwhelming thoughts. I want you to instead think about overwhelm as something that you are indulging in.
We choose to indulge in overwhelm rather than choosing a different feeling for yourself is because we like the distraction.
Overwhelm is a distraction from how we aren't showing up in the way that we want to.
So rather than be very honest with ourselves and direct about how we aren't following through with the plans that we make for ourselves, we instead think these thoughts that make us feel overwhelmed.
We lie to ourselves and tell ourselves we don't have time to do everything we need to do, and it's because then we don't have to get serious about how time is not the problem, and it's actually just that we are failing to follow through with our plans. But when we put the label of overwhelm on it, then it's not on us. It isn't our fault. It's because we have so much to do and just so much on our plate.
Then I can completely ignore what I might need to change about myself in order to follow through with my plans. I get to blame my failure on something other than my own skills and abilities.
It completely lets me off the hook.
If I can blame overwhelm on my circumstances, then I don't have to thinking about what I can do to get better, what skills I need to improve, what I need to muster up the courage to do (but I'm avoiding because it is uncomfortable or scary).
I'm avoiding all of that with the lie that I don't have time for it. That way I have something completely outside of myself to blame and I don't have to feel the shame that comes along with the recognition that I just fell short in my skills and abilities, and so I'm completely off the hook for finding the solution.
Being overwhelmed keeps us relatable.
Another reason that we might choose to lie to ourselves about not having enough time. And so making ourselves just feel overwhelmed instead of solving the real problem is because it keeps us relatable. It's a lot easier for us as moms to connect on the idea that none of us have enough time to do everything, that we need to do and want to do.
Our plates are so full. And so whatever we fall short on, it's because of this problem that we all have and we all share, and we all get to complain about it together and be united in that concept that we're all overwhelmed. We all share this same problem of not having enough time, and it would be a little bit uncomfortable to think of yourself talking to a mom who is overwhelmed with everything that she needs to do, and your response is, "Oh, I actually don't feel that way at all. That's so weird that you feel that way, because I feel completely on top of everything I need to do and I feel so well rested and am accomplishing all of my goals. I'm losing all of the baby weight. I helped my husband and I get out of debt, like everything is going great."
There is a weird, discomfort that comes along with that. And it's because of our need to feel a part of a group, to feel connected with people like us. We are safer when we're in a group of people who we can relate to and they think the same as us and they like us because we have the same thoughts as they do. And so we are safer and more loved in that situation than in this like awkward, uncomfortable situation where we're saying, "Actually, I don't feel that way at all."
And so it's a really like crazy thing to think about. But those are the types of things like when you hear about self-sabotage, that's the kind of underlying thought where something like that is coming from. Because we are very desperate for connection with each other. And so being in this struggle of overwhelm and the struggle of not having enough time, it actually makes us feel very safe because we think that other moms feel that.
We're more connected to them if we feel it too.
And then kind of along that same lines, lying to ourselves and lying to others about us not having enough time.
Being overwhelmed is how you give yourself credit for what you do.
Not only does overwhelm give s a place to blame our shortcomings and not make us look into ourselves, and it gives us that connection with other people, but along that same lines, it makes us feel more deserving of whatever credit we get. So whatever good we are doing and the ways that we are showing up the way that we want to as working moms, everything that we do to show up at work and show up for our husbands, and take care of our families, take care of our houses, cook the meals, all of that, we feel a lot more like deserving of credit for it if it doesn't come easy. I am accomplishing something that is very hard.
I am accomplishing the impossible because there is not enough time. But look at everything that I'm doing with this short amount of time. We feel so much more deserving of the "good mom" title. The way that people look at us and whatever credit we get for everything that we're doing, we feel much more deserving of it if it's hard.
And so we add in this line that I don't have enough time so that everything that I do get done, I feel a lot more deserving and accomplished for doing it.
We indulge in the feeling of overwhelm. Because it allows us to avoid something else. It allows us to avoid looking into ourselves, really challenging ourselves to step out of our comfort zone, do something new, learn something new, risk being not relatable to other moms or risk people thinking or us thinking that we don't deserve any credit for anything that we've done because it came easy to us to avoid all of that and indulge in the overwhelm. Instead, we tell ourselves the lie that we don't have enough time.
I don't have enough time, so I get to feel overwhelmed instead of moving on to the next step of actually solving the problem.
Because this isn't actually a time problem in the first place. There is truth in that there is not enough time to do everything. We could always add to the to-do list until it would reach a point that there literally is not enough time to get it all done. So that part of it is not necessarily a lie. Where it turns into a lie is when we finish that sentence and say, I don't have enough time to do everything I need to do, because I have to do everything.
Like we talked about in the last episode, the important thing that we really need to realize here is that our circumstances could be completely different, and we still think that same thought and still have that same feeling of overwhelm.
For an example, my parents recently retired and I've had coworkers retire over the years, and when you talk to them, you can see this concept in action. They think they're so busy, like they don't have enough time to do everything they need to do because they're still doing everything, even though we know that they're not.
They used to be able to fit a full-time job into their day, and now they don't.
They have so much more time now than they ever have, and they have so much more time than those of us who have full-time jobs and still have, small children that we're raising. They have so much less demand on their time, but their thoughts about their time never changed.
And so that just goes to show you that it's not the circumstance that causes the thought, that causes the feeling of overwhelm. It's just the thoughts that you choose.
My coach, Sam Laura Brown, said to me, "However you experience the journey is how you will experience the destination." We often think that it's our circumstances that force us to feel overwhelmed, and when our circumstances change, then we will no longer feel overwhelmed. If our circumstances were different, then we would not be so overwhelmed and we would be able to accomplish all of the goals that we've set for ourselves.
With the example of the retired person, you get to see how those thoughts never changed, even though their circumstances did.
I don't wanna go through this whole phase in my life of working and having children at the same time, thinking, "Oh, I will feel better when this is over."
"This is so hard." "This is so overwhelming." "I don't have enough time to do everything." Those are not the thoughts that I want to carry around with me while I'm going through this season of life, because I know that when it's over, it will just be over and I will still have those same thoughts.
I won't feel any different because I won't be thinking any different.
When I look back on this time I don't want overwhelm to be the main character.
I do not want the main theme of this season of my life to be me thinking about how overwhelmed I am. I would much rather do the work to change those thoughts now, because they're not gonna change ever if I don't do the work to change them. And if I do that work right now, then I get to go through the rest of my children's childhood without overwhelm, and I get to accomplish all of the goals that I've set for myself to create the life for my family that I want.
So with that, let's decide something different. What can we do to eliminate overwhelm, get more done and get more out of motherhood? The only thing to do is to change our thoughts.
We went through this a little bit in the previous episode, but I just wanna touch on some questions that we can ask ourselves now so that we can start making a different choice for ourselves.
What is all on my to-do list?
Start by brainstorming everything that needs to get done.
Get everything out of your head onto paper, where you can work with it, where you're not carrying it around, distracted by it all day long. Get it out of your brain and onto paper. Write out everything - personal work, health, fitness, money, business, all of it. Everything you need to get done, put it on the list. Keep asking, "What else?" and keep writing it all down.
Then take a look at that list and ask yourself, "What matters most to me and are those things on the list?"
Three things that I want to make sure is on my list and on my calendar:
Faith. Am I just saying that I'm a Christian and that I'm following God, or am I actually putting that in practice? If you would look at my daily routine, would you know? Am I putting in that effort to be connected with God? I'm not going to be able to accomplish anything, get anything done if I don't have that foundation, so I'm gonna make sure that's on my list, that is in my calendar that I am investing in and strengthening my relationship with God.
Family. As a working mom, it can be really hard to connect with the concept of balance. We often think that balance means we're spending equal time in every area of our lives, and so then we always feel like we're falling short when it comes to our family. Because we're just automatically required to have this eight hour workday, and then if you think about fitting anything else into your day, then it's taking away from your family. And we kind of always feel like we're falling short as mothers then when we're working moms.
If you think about splitting your 24 hour day into thirds - sleeping eight hours, working eight hours, and then the other eight hours being for your family. That's not necessarily balance. Balance is investing sufficient time, sufficient energy into everything that requires our time and our energy in order to stay successful, healthy, and satisfied in our lives. In order for us to meet our needs and meet the needs of those around us.
So for my family, I'm gonna make sure that I have really meaningful connection points with them. I'm gonna make sure that I have 5:00 to 8:00 PM I'm with my family where I am focused on taking care of my children, feeding them dinner, taking care of my home. We're connecting together before we go to bed. I'm gonna make sure that's a priority over, a lot of other things that I might do during that time.
I don't wanna be scrolling on my phone during that time, and that is one way that I can make sure that I'm investing in my family.
Rest. As a working mom, it's just really easy to think that if I just keep going, if I just sleep less and give myself more time to get things done, then I will be able to get everything done.
Time is a lie and rest is crucial. Rest is another one of those foundational things like if I don't have any connection with God, I'm not going to have any effectiveness when work towards any of my goals. Same thing goes for if I don't give my body and my brain rest.
If I don't sleep and if I don't do other restful activities without feeling guilty. I'm not gonna be very effective when it comes to working towards my goals. I'm just going be spinning my wheels getting more and more exhausted until I burn out.
So we have our to-do list and then we start to look through what is going to fit onto the calendar, and so we ask what matters most and make sure that those things are on the list and that they get onto the calendar first.
What am I actually going to get done?
And that is where we fill in the calendar with our commitments, with our rest time, with our family time, everything, all of that goes onto the calendar, and then we fill it in with the to-do list items that fit. Not everything is going to fit on the calendar, especially because we are planning for us as real life human beings that need to eat, that take a few minutes to transition from between activities, we need to drive from place to place to do different things. And we need to build in some buffer time because we have family responsibilities that are going to interrupt us. Not everything is gonna fit.
What can be eliminated or delegated to somebody else?
Some things on the list can just be eliminated. They're not that important. They don't need to get done right now. Some things are important, but they don't quite fit on my calendar. So can I ask somebody else for help?
Can I delegate the some things to somebody else so that I can be more effective in the things that really matter. I hired help with cleaning a couple years ago, so the things that I keep on my calendar are the regular keeping up with the house things. Cooking dinner, doing the dishes, doing the laundry, keeping things tidy, decluttered, all of that's on me.
But then I have, I've delegated the really like deep cleaning stuff to somebody that comes, helps me do it. Another thing to consider here is working moms, especially moms online, like to complain about the mental load of being a mom. Especially being a working mom and we like to take that and blame it on our husbands for not taking on more when we can actually choose to just appreciate the mental load that our husbands carry for us, and if we do need additional support from him.
If you feel like your husband has extra time to get something done where you're struggling to fit it into your calendar, can you ask him to specifically help with that? And the internet will say that he should be just stepping up and taking on more of that mental load himself. But that's not helpful to think about it that way.
As moms, I think we like to be, in charge of certain things in our house. Like as the mom, I want to be in charge of my kids' schedule. I want to be in charge of our meal plan and things that happen around our home. I feel like that is my job as the mom. Instead of just being angry at my husband for not stepping in and taking on some of the things that I would say are my job, I'm gonna appreciate him for everything that he is doing, and I might just request that he adds something to his list.
And if he's willing to take that on and take care of it, I'm going to be appreciative for that. And I'm not going get mad at him for not reading my mind and coming and asking me if he could do that for me or do that for the family.
I'm just gonna appreciate him for being him, and I'll ask him for help when I need it.
We like to blame our thoughts on other people. Instead of looking at ourselves and asking , "What can I do to better support myself? How do I get past the discomfort of asking for help and build that skill for myself?" Instead of looking to that, we just get mad at our husbands for not already doing it for us.
And that's not helpful. That doesn't make us feel good and doesn't help us achieve the goals of the strong, happy family that we're after.
What am I not going to get done right now?
Maybe I wanna keep something on the list, because I do feel like it's important, or it is something I wanna get done eventually, but I honestly do not want to make space for this in my calendar this week. It isn't helpful to keep it on a to-do list and constantly feel guilty or disappointed for not getting it done (even though I'm following through with my own plan for doing something else).
I think as working moms, we like to do that to ourselves often. We want to indulge in overwhelm and if we carry around this concept that there's more than one thing we should be doing at any given time that helps support our indulgence in overwhelm.
Especially as an entrepreneur, my brain likes to give me thoughts that cause guilt if I am working on my business, because then I'm not doing something else in my life. But at the same time, if I'm not working on my business, then I feel guilty about that too.
Because that makes it really easy for me to think I don't have enough time, then I get to indulge in the overwhelm instead of looking to my own shortcomings and seeing what I need to do differently, where I need to push through and be more courageous. I get to just say I don't have enough time.
Because I need to be doing more than one thing at once, which just really isn't even true. Instead of keeping more things on the list than what I have time for, I'm going to ask, "What am I not going to get done this week?" And I can add those things to a to-do later list if I want to. If I don't want them just thrown out with the to-do list, I can keep a to-do later list.
A to-do later list this is a list of things that I am very intentionally not doing right now. I am going to follow through with the things that I did plan to get done, and then I will revisit this other thing later, because I'm not willing to make the space for it right now.
Be willing to say, I am not working on that thing right now. Then we get to actually follow through with our real plan without overwhelm and get so much closer to the goals that we've set up for ourselves.
If you found this helpful, you’re going to want to join us in the For More Of What Matters group coaching program.
Inside the program, you'll have step-by-step guidance of making plans and actually following through with them to reach all of your goals, and you'll have the added support of working with me as your coach and accomplishing your goals alongside other busy moms who are facing the same challenges that you are. You can join us in the For More Of What Matters group coaching program on Patreon, or follow me on Instagram @andrea.wieneke to learn more.
